WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD ???

• Plato:  For the greater good.
• Aristotle:  To fulfill its nature on the other side.
• Karl Marx:  It was a historical inevitability.
• Machiavelli:  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained. 
• Hippocrates:  Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. 
• Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! 
• Thomas de Torquemada:  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out. 
• Timothy Leary:  Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. 
• Douglas Adams:  Forty-two. 
• Nietzsche:  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. 
• Oliver North:  National Security was at stake. 
• B.F. Skinner:  Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. 
• Carl Jung:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. 
• Jean-Paul Sartre:  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. 
• Ludwig Wittgenstein:  The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which   caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
•  Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
•  Aristotle:  To actualize its potential.
• Buddha:  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
• Howard Cosell:  It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence. 
• Salvador Dali:  The Fish.
•  Darwin:  It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. 
• Emily Dickinson:  Because it could not stop for death.
•  Epicurus:  For fun. 
• Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it. 
• Johann Friedrich von Goethe:  The eternal hen-principle made it do it. 
• Ernest Hemingway:  To die.  In the rain. 
• Werner Heisenberg:  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. 
• David Hume:  Out of custom and habit. 
• Saddam Hussein:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. 
• Jack Nicholson:  ‘Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That’s the (censored) reason. 
• Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? 
• Ronald Reagan:  Well,………………. 
• John Sununu:  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. 
• The Sphinx:  You tell me. 
• Henry David Thoreau:  To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life. 
• Mark Twain:  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. 
• Mishima:   For the beauty of it. The chicken’s extension of its sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their exquisite comrade.  The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero, whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died. 
• Johnny Cochran:  The chicken didn’t cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken’s feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family. 
• Camus:  The chicken’s mother had just died.  But this did not really upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest.  In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes. 
• John Sununu (again):  I would argue that the chicken never crossed the road at all.  That it is a story concocted by the Clinton Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road? Where, Michael? 
• Michael Kinsley:  Oh, John, come on!  Everybody knows the chicken crossed the road.  What evidence do you need?  It’s obvious that the chicken crossed the road.  Your whole argument is just a smoke and mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled now back the Democratic Party.  You ought to be ashamed of yourself, John.
•  Siskel:  I don’t know why it crossed the road, but I loved it.  Thumbs up! 
• Ebert:  I disagree.  The whole thing left the audience wondering; the chicken’s crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken didn’t emote very well.  It couldn’t even speak English! Thumbs down. 
• Michael Kinsley:  But you both agree it did cross the road, right? See, John.  I’m right as usual.

One Simple Way to Get a Good Idea

             There seems to be a common myth that one day you’ll just sit under a tree and get a good idea (possibly whilst getting hit in the noggin by an apple). A more common – but less sexy or made for great anecdotes kind of – way to get a good idea is a bit different.Let´s take the idea-machine and inventor Thomas Edison for example. By his death in 1931 Edison had gathered over a 1000 patents. Sure, today we may not remember many of them but among were also a handful of world-changing ideas such as the light bulb, the phonograph (for listening to music) and the Kinetoscope (for watching movies).Point being: To get a good idea, get lots of ideas.For instance, when I’m running low on subjects to blog about I sit down and take out a piece of paper. I pick up my pen, brainstorm and try to come up with 20 new ideas for articles. Then I try for 10 more. This might take a while, especially at the end when obvious ideas and variations of them starts to dry up. But when I finally have them, then I’ll have enough. Some of these ideas will suck, many ideas will overlap and can be integrated into one article. A few of the ideas may even be quite good.An excellent variation of this method comes from Earl Nightingale’s “Lead the Field”: Use the pen and a piece of paper try to come up with 20 ideas to improve something. This something can be you business, health, the amount of money you earn, your life in general or just another idea that you want to improve. Several times after I´ve done this exercise I´ve been quite pleasantly surprised with some of the suggestions I´ve written down and thought to myself: Why haven´t I thought of that earlier?The interesting thing about sitting down and starting to consciously generating ideas is that once you get them to start trickling into your mind they often develop into a small stream or sometimes even a river. Before you begin it may seem difficult to gather 20 or 40 new ideas but soon after you get started it seems, at least for a while, like you’re plucking them out of the air as easy as picking a basket of apples.Edison, who used to retreat to his basement and there – without the disturbance of sight or sound – simply received ideas, had this to say:“Ideas come from space. This may seem astonishing and impossible to believe, but it’s true. Ideas come from out of space.”A thought that that seems to fit into the theory, supported many personal growth writers like Napoleon Hill and Brian Tracy, about an infinite intelligence that you can tap into to get ideas and solutions to your problems.To get the flow of ideas going I have found it important to relax the mind. If you strain and try to force the ideas out they won’t come. Just relax and let them flow. Half of them might be unusable but don’t think or worry about that because then you’ll put a stop to the stream of ideas. Just write it all down and later you can proceed to delete, keep or merge your ideas.  

How to be creative ?

 

So you want to be more creative, in art, in business, whatever. Here are some tips that have worked for me over the years

•  Ignore everybody
• The idea doesn’t have to be big. It just has to change the world
• Put the hours in.
• If your biz plan depends on you suddenly being “discovered” by some big shot, your plan will probably fail.
• You are responsible for your own experience.
• Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten.
• Keep your day job.
• Companies that squelch creativity can no longer compete with companies that champion creativity.
• Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb.
• The more talented somebody is, the less they need the props.
• Don’t try to stand out from the crowd; avoid crowds altogether.
• If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you.
• Never compare your inside with somebody else’s outside.
• Dying young is overrated.
• The most important thing a creative person can learn professionally is where to draw the red line that separates what you are willing to do, and what you are not.
• The world is changing.
• Merit can be bought. Passion can’t.
• Avoid the Watercooler Gang.
• Sing in your own voice.
• The choice of media is irrelevant.
• Selling out is harder than it looks.
• Nobody cares. Do it for yourself.
• Worrying about “Commercial vs. Artistic” is a complete waste of time.
• Don’t worry about finding inspiration. It comes eventually.
• You have to find your own schtick.
• Write from the heart.
• The best way to get approval is not to need it.
• Power is never given. Power is taken.
• Whatever choice you make, The Devil gets his due eventually.
• The hardest part of being creative is getting used to it.

Remain frugal.

Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0

Request for Technical Support, Incident #99-02-14-01

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and I can find no documentation on several features.

For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes.  

Also, the new program has spawned a couple of unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources.

I was considering going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there does not seem to be a “revert to previous state” feature.

Can you help me?

Registered User #10-1-13-5-19

Response to User #10-1-13-5-19, Incident #99-02-14-01

We receive many inquiries to this perceived problem. However it is almost always the result of a common error.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program.

This is a serious misconception.

Although Wife 1.0 includes many Utilities and Entertainment functions, Wife 1.0 is actually an entire Operating System. It has been designed to run everything.

Warning! Do not try to: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0. Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Many have tried “workarounds”. These only complicate the situation.

For example, some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the problems persist.

Others, in an ill conceived attempt, have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. This almost always results in serious system conflicts, possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash.

We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters.

I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the Apologize Button then Reset Button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time.

To free up CPU time and improve performance be certain that you have terminated your several search and scan routines.

Because each copy of Wife 1.0 is a uniquely configured system, no single manual will cover all enabled features.

New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You should consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration.

Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential, particularly when used with supplementary applications. For example, killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0.

There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.

End of response

13 Sayings of Woody Allen

Born Allan Konigsberg in Brooklyn on December 1, 1935, Allen began writing quips for gossip columnists at the age of 15. After graduating from high school, he landed a job writing for Sid Caesar’s classic television comedy series Your Show of Shows. In 1961 he branched out from writing to stand-up comedy. He also wrote plays and screenplays before directing his first film, What’s Up, Tiger Lily?, in 1966. Among his many hits are Annie Hall (1977), Manhattan (1979) and Hannah and Her Sisters (1986).

1) It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better . . . while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-Side Effects, 1981
2) Don’t listen to what your schoolteachers tell you. Don’t pay attention to that. Just see what they look like and that’s how you know what life is really going to be like.
-Crimes and Misdemeanors, 1990
3) [Intellectuals] are like the Mafia. They only kill their own.
-Stardust Memories, 1980
4) Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents told us was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat, college.
-Annie Hall, 1977
5)The prettiest [girls] are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
-`The Early Essays’, 1973
6) Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.
-A Midsummer Night’s Sex Comedy, 1982
7) Nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.
-Alice, 1990
8) Love is deep; sex is only a few inches.
-Bullets Over Broadway, 1994
9) I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, `Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.’ And the doctor says, `Why don’t you turn him in?’ And the guy says, `I would but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know, they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd . . . but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.
-Annie Hall, 1977
10) To you, I’m an atheist . . . to God I’m the loyal opposition.
-Stardust Memories, 1980
11) I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.
12) Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment. And that’s really what I would prefer.
-1987
13) There’s this old joke. Two elderly women are in a Catskills Mountain resort and one of ’em says: `Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.’ The other one says, `Yeah, I know, and such small portions.’ Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly.
-Annie Hall, 1977

critical acronyms

AAAAA : The Organization for Drunk Drivers

AOL : Anti On-Line

APPLE : Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

BASIC : Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

CD-ROM : Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

COBOL : Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

COMPUTER : Capable Of Making Perfectly Uncomplicated Tasks Extremely Rigorous

DOS : Defunct Operating System

IBM : I Blame Microsoft

IBM : I Bought Macintosh

ISDN : It Still Does Nothing

LISP : Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

LOTUS : Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious

MACINTOSH : Most Applications Crash, If Not The Operating System Hangs

MCSE : Minesweeper Consultant & Solitaire Expert

MCSE : Must Consult Someone Experienced

MCSE : Making Computers Slow Everyday

MICROSOFT : Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

MIPS : Mistakes Incurred Per Second

MIPS : Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

NASCAR : Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

NTSC : Never The Same Color

OS/2 : Obsolete Soon Too

PASCAL : Pedantry And Strictness Created A Language

PCMCIA : People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM : Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

POTS : Plain Old Telephone System

RISC : Reduced Into Silly Code

SCSI : System Can’t See It

SCSI-2 : System Can’t See It Again

SNMP : Security Not My Problem

WINDOWS : Wonderful Interface No Dos User Would Sanction

WINDOWS : Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

17 Pairs of Contradictory Proverbs

1. Look before you leap
He who hesitates is lost

2. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again
Don’t beat your head against a brick wall

3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Out of sight, out of mind

4. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today
Don’t cross the bridge until you come to it

5. Two heads are better than one
Paddle your own canoe

6. More haste less speed
Time waits for no man

7. You’re never too old to learn
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks

8. A word to the wise is sufficient
Talk is cheap

9. It’s better to be safe than sorry
Nothing ventured, nothing gained

10. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts

11. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you
Nice guys finish last

12. Hitch your wagon to a star
Don’t bite off more than you can chew

13. Many hands make light work
Too many cooks spoil the broth

14. Don’t judge a book by its cover
Clothes make the man

15. The squeaking wheel gets the grease
Silence is golden

16. Birds of a feather flock together
Opposites attract

17. The pen is mightier than the sword
Actions speak louder than words

What Is The Meaning Of Appraisal ?

A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss “what is the meaning of appraisal?”

Boss: “Do you know the meaning of resignation?”

Trainee: “Yes I do”

Boss: “So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation”

Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

During appraisal , they will deny promotion saying you didn’t meet the expectation, you don’t have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal .
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

What Happens If Airlines Were Operating Systems ?

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing nonstop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on.

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth takeoff. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes and ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”

How To Recruit The Right Person For The Right Job ?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last! but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management.